


The five times Spock felt for his Captain and kept it to himself and the one time he didn’t

by Etienne_Lennon



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-03
Updated: 2013-06-03
Packaged: 2017-12-13 21:16:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/828981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Etienne_Lennon/pseuds/Etienne_Lennon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Is pretty much in the title..</p>
            </blockquote>





	The five times Spock felt for his Captain and kept it to himself and the one time he didn’t

**Author's Note:**

  * For [someone special](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=someone+special).



> Characters and places not mine, I hope you like it anyway. Looking forward to your feedback!  
> Spoilers for "Into Darkness" if you haven't watched it yet, GO WATCH IT! And then read this story...

Spock had been jealous of his future Captain. That is, he would have been jealous but for the fact that jealousy was an emotion and consequently not his problem. 

But from a completely logical point of view, he had his reservations towards the young commander. Spock’s logic could not tolerate a person who would cheat at an important academic test. 

It was simply not right. 

And it made Spock think, because frankly, he would never ever have come up with the idea to alter the parameters of the test. That was James T. Kirk through and through. A man who could not accept rules. A man who would not accept defeat. 

And it made Spock acutely aware of the fact that he did not like and could not trust a man of this disposition. Or so he thought.

***

Spock had been more than angry with his Captain when he had beaten Kirk up on the bridge of his starship. The control over his emotions had been gone in that instant. Kirk had pushed his buttons until the point of white, cold anger. And Spock punched him. Hard. Kirk had destroyed the carefully built dams around Spock’s emotions. And the result had been fierce and dark like a storm at sea. His body against the body of his enemy, Spock had felt a primal instinct not only to hurt the other man, but to possess him, make the young, hard body his and his alone. He had taken that step and it seemed like there was no way to return to normal. 

Until that moment when it was all over and the clarity of Kirk's eyes had been the only thing on his horizon. The only emotions left had been feelings of heat and want and Spock had closed them out as soon as he could.

***

Spock had been annoyed with his Captain when he was standing on a rock in a volcano, seeing the larva around him whirl and fight to get free. He had been annoyed because Kirk would now adhere to the prime directive and now Spock was to die because of it. It was illogical because his life was just one against thousands. But it was annoying and Kirk’s behavior had been against the rules.

He had thought about Kirk then about what he might say to him if he could hear his last words. He disliked the words that had formed in his head. They didn’t seem to belong to him and they sounded like there was another person he should be saying them to. And then Kirk had gone and made it worse by going against regulations again – big time now: starship showing and all. 

Spock had done the only logical thing and filed a report. And Kirk had been irrational and wrong and called Spock his friend.

And Spock thought he really did not want to serve under another Captain.

***

Spock had been afraid for his Captain when he saw Kirk lying hurt on the ground and in Khan's hand. He might actually lose Kirk now. Only a few more moments and Kirk might no longer be part of his world. There were words in his head that he wanted Kirk to hear. But there was no way to accept them, even to himself. And the only words that Kirk needed now were of a different kind.

Now it was Spock’s time to go against the rules.

***

When his Captain was actually dying, the feelings that raged through Spock’s mind were almost too strong to control. They were worse than they had been when Khan had had Kirk in his hand.

Because now there is nothing more he can do but look through a glass and look at his Captain. His scientific mind knows what his happening to the other man's body. He knows of the poison, of the destruction of cells. He knows this is the end before their beginning. 

He wants to say that he loves him then. He knows this is his last chance and Vulcan's can' lie. He doesn't want a good-bye like this where his Captain doesn't know he is Spock's greatest sin. But he doesn't say it. He cannot say it. Because in the moment that Jim Kirk is dying it doesn't matter what Spock wants to say. It matters, what Jim wants to hear. And Spock knows Jim got him out of the volcano because he is his friend. And that is what he tells him. Towards the end. Because maybe that is the only truth that Kirk needs to know. 

Then there is rage again. But this time, it is directed at another enemy. A man Spock doesn’t want to possess. A man who has taken what was dearest to Spock. A man he wants to destroy. 

He is still thinking while he hunts Khan down. He can never stop thinking. 

But it is not Spock’s mind that is working so rapidly. It seems like Spock has died with Kirk and what is left is the logic of the kill.

He would have killed Khan or died trying had it not been for Nyota. He will always be grateful to her.

***

McCoy is a genius; Spock thinks. He would not admit to the sentiment in so many words. Because scientifically speaking, finding the way to repair the damage in Kirks body with Khan's blood had been easy to find for a medical professional.

But to actually engage the solution and to bring Kirk back – that had been true genius. No mistake.

And right then, when Kirk opened his eyes, there was no denying his feelings anymore. 

Those clear blue eyes would always bring Spock to that other place of clarity. But those eyes also reminded Spock of the situation he was in. His obligation to his family and to his people, the star fleet directives about fraternization and most importantly the fact that Kirk was a notorious lady's man and would never understand what Spock felt. 

It was all there. All open and clear in his inhuman mind that worked fast even for Vulcan standards. He had been afraid to yield to his emotions. He had been afraid to let them get the better of him. But fear was illogical. Especially now.

Now McCoy speaks and Spock speaks but none of it matters as long as Jim speaks as well. And he does. He speaks and he smiles and he is all Spock ever wanted.

McCoy leaves eventually. 

Spock still stands beside his Captain, right, where he belongs. And he doesn’t know what has happened to his shields and why this man affects him like no one ever did. But then again, this man just came back from the dead. Maybe he is just that special. 

“I love you.” Spock says then.

He drowns in the silence that follows. 

The next thing he knows, he has joined Captain Jim Kirk on a five year mission along the final frontier.

FIN


End file.
